


Talz "Bushmonster" Jr. II vs Lando "Purdile Lipz" Tuchanka

by SayianExterminatus



Category: Mass Effect, Star Wars, Star Wars: The Old Republic
Genre: Battle, Gen, M/M, joke battle, lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-01
Updated: 2014-02-01
Packaged: 2018-01-10 18:31:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1163084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SayianExterminatus/pseuds/SayianExterminatus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a joke battle containing the following Star Wars Characters to which only one of them is canon:</p>
<p>* = Canon Character</p>
<p>http://lookout.wikia.com/wiki/Talz_%22Bushmonster%22_Jr._II</p>
<p>http://lookout.wikia.com/wiki/Lando_%22Purdile_Lipz%22_Tuchanka</p>
<p>*http://swtor.wikia.com/wiki/Broonmark</p>
            </blockquote>





	Talz "Bushmonster" Jr. II vs Lando "Purdile Lipz" Tuchanka

 

 

 

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**This is a Joke Battle between[Talz "Bushmonster" Jr. II](http://lookout.wikia.com/wiki/Talz_%22Bushmonster%22_Jr._II) and [Lando "Purdile Lipz" Tuchanka](http://lookout.wikia.com/wiki/Lando_%22Purdile_Lipz%22_Tuchanka).**

**\----**

**WARNING! This page WILL contain blood, gore, intense violence, stuff that CAN/WILL defy logic, strong language, sexual themes, a random sense of hate, disdain, distrust, a couple of instances of random sense of unwanted stupidity... and possibly trolling. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!**

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Chucky walked into a jungle. Noticing that it was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to quiet. Then finally Talz whoe had nothing else left to do in this world and his life found his next victim.

A Voice imprint scanner on Chuck's Omni-Tool start talking: Scanning.... scanning... Target Name: Talz Aliases: Bushmonster Race: Talz DOB: Unknown Bounty Number: Unspecified but in short, people really just want this Talz dead.  

Talz took out his holoscanner as well eyeing him up and down. "Name: Lando Tuchanka, Aliases: Chuck Race: Krogan, DOB: When the Krogan were getting fucked in the ass with Genophage Sickness. Bounty Number: Some where between ∞ and ∞."

Talz was quite surprised. Someone that "could" possible match him in Bounty Level.

Talz:(("Okay Krogan, you seen to be worth the time in keeping me entertained. If you have any last words before you get thwacked, now is the time."))

Chuck translates the dialect via his Omni-Tool then says:  "Ha me? Thwacked? That means nothing." He deactivates his scanner.

Chuck then takes out his shotgun and activates some very OP Biotics and mods for himself and his gun.

Chuck: "Stand and fight, or don't fight. However.. fighting sounds alot more fun"

Talz wasted no time in taking out his Tryhard rifle and started auto locking on Chuck but Chuck did his Infinity Charge. But there is one issue here. Talz attempted to twack Chuck thus causing the both of them to be knocked back and stunned.

Eventually after 5 minutes later, the two engaged each other again only time time Talz vanished then reappeared thwacking Chuck again only this time it worked. Leaving him stunned for several seconds. Little did Talz know that a incendiary grenade blew him up. After his recovery half is body was badly singed. Talz took a [LeapFrog Leap Tablet for Kids™](http://shop.leapfrog.com/leapfrog/jump/learning-tablets/category/cat90030?medium=tsa&gclid=COqTvL6497sCFQISMwodMVwAJQ&gclsrc=aw.ds) jump and sprayed the shit out of Chuck however with his biotic it did close to no damage to him.

Rolling around enough, Talz took cover behind a fall tree in the initial derp of a battle of started laying down suppressing fire on the Krogan. Chuck attempted another incendiary grenade then suddenly his Omni-Tool informed him of something: "Warning incoming hostile --- position is 560 Degrees West at an Altitude of -12 at a speed of near ∞."

Chuck: "Well.. shit just got real." As he said that the new target aka Broonmark was speeding towards Chuck but then an explosion occurred sending Broomark flying away like he slipped on a banana peal. Chuck snickered in a trollish manner. "Problem?"

Broonmark who had finally just gotten up from the ground sighed in disgusted as Talz said:((WELL???!?!!??!))

Broonmark: -_- ((I KNOW! I KNOW!))

Talz: ((THEN GET YOUR ASS UP AND HELP ME TAKE THIS FUCKING KROGAN DOWN!))

As he said that, Broonmark was send flying away no thanks to Chuck biotic powers(he created an biotic explosion) which caused him to collided with Talz. The both just layed there.. confused and really stupid. Then suddenly Chuck started screaming and release a massive wave of biotic energy then began to warp the area around himself as a giant biotic tornado blew apart the area. Eventually Broonmark and Talz had to take cover and so they did.

The area was pretty much a giant shit hole of debris. Chuck was busy scanning with his Omni-Tool.

Chuck: "Hmmm where are these fucking cowards..."

Deep in the jungle or rather the near jungle outskirts of deep fauna and flora, the two Talz were at an odds end.

Talz: ((Chuck is CLEARLY superior...))

Broonmark would be thinking about this.

Talz would be seen walking around back and forth: ((Dammit... what's your weakness.))

Broonmark peaked himself from behind an odd leaf checking the current scenery. In the distance he saw the Kroga, who impatiently was burn down the jungle around himself. It was almost as if he didn't need to do fuck all to send the lot of them into a biotic hell.

Broonmark: ((Well I've got no idea what to do))

Talz: (( -_- ))

It being enough more than enough than Talz actually could handle. He went berserk.

Talz: ((NO MORE GAMES, TIME TO DIE!))

Talz bum rushed past Broonmark(who some how knew what he was up too) took out his rifle and thermal grenade. Broonmark folded in arms in clear annoyance.

Broonmark: ((Fine.))

Broonmark suddenly jumps out of a tree in blind rage and hails his Vibroblade at Chuck. Chuck seeing this ambush coming decided to go along with the attempt. As Broonmark rush past him, Talz launched his thermal grenade at him as it latched on then he rolled into cover and fire straight at him.

Eventually after like some seriousness, the detonator exploded cause the area in-front of Broonmark, Talz and Chuck to go bye bye(Well at least 12 miles worth of terrain). After this Talz and Broonmark got up and dusted themselves down. Seconds past, and a tree no larger than 18ft came crashing down in leaving tons of smoke and flying wood all over the place. 

However this was a mistake. The fact of the matter is that they "believed" that Chuck was perma-dead. They were wrong. As the begin to leave the fallen trees, and other fauna suddenly warped itself upward then were spun around like some derpy but crazy exotic dancer.

 

 

(...OKAY HOLD UP! HOLD UP! HOLD UP!)

(If we go by that logic then..) 

 

Chuck: "You know..." As he said that he pushed aside some broken tree dusting off the fire on his arm. "I thought you idiots would be alot more tougher.. but actually the both of you are very, very weak. " 

Broonmark was beyond pissed as he spoke": ((YOU WANT TOUGH ASSHOLE YOU GOT IT!)) He activated a secondary vibrosword as well as a mobile field generator and sped his way towards Chuck. In-doing so set Talz in slight alarm.

Talz: ((SHIT! This fucking carl... ._.)) Talz followed his lead and switched his rifle mags with a gas cylinder setting. He then when cloaked and vanished. Chuck folded his arms in great boredom. Then as Brookmark swatted him, Talz popped up from not but 8 feet behind him and laid down some heavy suppressing fire.

And with each shot he fired caused miniature explosion on Chuck.

 

Talz:  ((YOU LEIK DAT?!?!?!)) Talz screamed as he kept fighting despite Broonmarks lurkish behaviors in the smoke.

Talz: ((HW DEES EEET FELL ASSHOLE?!!?!)) Clearly he was mad. The fact that some [shotgun whore](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=shotgun%20whore) was somehow unable to ["Ride with the Dunk Master Flex."](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcdA_ImQyCI#t=2:56)

 

(Huh... imagine that. A Krogan that can withstand close range explosion impacts and fight hand to hand or I should say vibroblade to omni-blade lol)

(Hint: [The actually can't at all](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20oQ1WTtWto) XD)

 

As the smoke cleared, they two Talz saw Chuck rise from the smoke mostly damage but due to him being protected by a Warp Barrier he created it negated alot of the previous impact as he said: "Alright enough toying around, you Talz are finished." As he said that Broonmark and Talz rushed him head on but Chuck launched a Incendiary Grenade then fired his shotgun. The explosion dazzled the both of them as he charged head on through the smoke past to which Talz attempted to use his Lolnope-Geet-Outa-Ere-Wid-Dat-ShiT-Cuz-Itz-Teim-To-Ride-With-The-Thwack-MasterFlex signature on him at the same time as Chuck said: RAAAAH-INFINITY-KROGAN-CHARGING!

The Result?

_"Also the following paid programming is brought to you in part by[the Lustrious Arishok](http://lookout.wikia.com/wiki/User:Arishok_Frieza):"_

We now return to you to your scheduled programming:

Chuck: "YOU MOTHER FUCKER!" As he said that it was like reality was shredded by his Warp Barrier, and sadly Broonmark didn't see it coming. He was left in a infinite spin which seemed like it wouldn't end any time soon which was also damaging him in some kind of Warping Whirlwind of "RAAAAH-INFINITY-KROGAN-CHARGING!"

As Talz flew back across waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay across the planet, he finally stop, making a nice whole inside a tree but the minute he looked up. Chuck was there. Along with that "piece of shit" shotgun he doesn't let his sights from.

He smiled as he said: So... now that there are no distractions..

Talz chuckled a bit realizing that Broonmark was not dead but the minute he blinked his four sum eyes, Chuck immediately blasted his shotgun spraying Broonmark in extremely burning/acidic incendiary explosive rounds then darted forward and with both hand tore a whole into him. Then he warp once as Broonmark was torn into [this](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EeHa7qXab1c/Th3YgH52UGI/AAAAAAAAAV8/d8SqrWqoYL8/s1600/del.jpg).

Chunk then faced his eyes to Talz. Chuck: "So.. your friend's dead, your gun is gone and your Thwacking powers are useless. Anything else you are going to do before I cut you?"

Talz: ((THIS!)) Talz realizing that Chuck's Warp Barrier was down, made one final attack on him. Taking the opportunity to stick a Imperial Hypercooliant Detonation Device into this body.

-Beep- 

-Beep-

-Beep-

-Beep-

Chuck: Awww shit...

 

 

Later in Heaven, Hell, or Limbo if you believe in that nonsense, the three dipshits were there.

Chuck: 

Talz: 

Broonmark: Yay! 

As the lot of them were contemplating over there "defeats," Talz said: ((You know... even though we wanted to fucked each other up, beat the living shit out of each other, rape, detonate, mutilate and blow ourselves to pieces that was actually a really good fight))

Broonmark: Indeed.

Chuck willingly nodded in approval to both their comments as he said: It was... one of the best battles, I have ever had if not the last laugh. It was a truly... a good death.

 

 

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 **'''The End'''**  
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